Pizza arrives at your door hot. This is not because pizza generates its own heat (it doesn’t). It’s because pizza is better hot than cold. Microwaved pizza is just one step up from cold. Use the oven!
The issue with microwaving broccoli is that broccoli is trash and your microwave deserves better.
Gotcha! Water is a beverage, not a food. Feel free to microwave.
7. Grilled Cheese Sandwich
This is more than just semantics. The bread deflates in the microwave, and the cheese collapses in on itself, disappearing instantly. Assuming the sandwich is pre-grilled, and this ill-advised microwave operation is a reheat for consumption after the fact, the solution is simple. Eat the entire sandwich right after it was originally made. If you can’t, give it to somebody else. Under no circumstances should you have cause to reheat a grilled cheese sandwich.
6. Any Item Involving Bread, Actually
Bread is usually fine cold, but if you do want it warm, there are toasters and ovens for that.
5. Hot Pocket
Yes, the center will be ice-cold, but that is the lesser of two evils. If a microwave ever succeeds in warming the center of a Hot Pocket, both the appliance and its target will explode, leaving a jagged hole above your forsaken oven.
Cereal should be warmed by leaving it in direct sunlight for several hours.
It’s possible eggs should simply not be consumed by humans as anything other than an ingredient in a larger construction. If they must be, they should be cooked on a hot stone like in Shrek.
2. Instant Ramen
See Item 2. This is not a joke – you are supposed to heat water and pour it into the ramen bowl, not pour water into the bowl and then heat the entire thing. This has been a public service announcement; now back to your regularly scheduled goofs.
1. Every Other Food Not Listed, Except Popcorn
Microwaves exist for the sole purpose of creating popcorn and distributing the accompanying butter smell to three adjacent city blocks. Every other function for which you are tempted to use a microwave could be better accomplished with an oven. If you don’t have an oven, disregard this post.