Fantasy Fantasy Camps

With the close of the NBA season, it’s getting to be that time of year when NBA players start hosting basketball camps. I recently saw shameless plugs on Twitter for Grizzlies guard Tony Allen’s “Grit and Grind Basketball Camp.” I had two thoughts upon discovering this. The first was a lament that this camp didn’t exist in my brief days as an offensively challenged defensive specialist. If I could have learned from the Grindfather himself, maybe I wouldn’t have been cut so early .The second was a thought that Tony Allen isn’t the kind of NBA superstar that most kids would want to go to a camp that they hosted. So I  got to thinking (partially inspired by this) about what other camps could (or should) be out there for aspiring ballers. Here’s what I’ve got so far.

J.R. Smith’s Volume Shooting Academy: Schedules for days 1-5: Shootaround. That’s it. The philosophy of this camp (as espoused in this video which will be the camp’s national anthem) is that to score, you need to shoot. To score MORE, you need to SHOOT MORE. HOOPS GALORE! If you don’t have what most people would consider a “fundamentally sound shooting form,” fear not! With this high level of shooting, you’ll eventually learn to get buckets with any kind of shot! Guest instructors include Monta Ellis and Brandon Jennings. Camp activities may overlap with the Tyson Chandler Rebounding and Putback Dunks Camp. 

Nick Collison’s FUNdamentals Camp: Campers will not touch a ball until day three. The first day will be spent on footwork, conditioning, and hustle plays. Day 2 consists of proper screen technique with guest instruction from Coach Kendrick Perkins on disguising your moving picks and getting in that extra shove. We finally get to Day Three: We’re shooting today, right? WRONG. Rebounding and outlet passes. Get to work! You might never make a basket, but you’re setting yourself up to be in the league for a LONG time. 

The Zach Randolph Basketball Camp for the Gravitationally Impaired: Look, jumping in basketball is highly overrated. Why would you need to leave your feet when you can plant like Ann Veal, get a good center of gravity, and bowl over the competition? At The ZRBCftGI, kids will learn to rebound, shoot, and block without ever clearing a flat sheet of paper. How will they develop this crucial skill? I’m glad you asked. Each child will be issued a weight vest equal to 3/4 of their body weight. That’ll take the spring out of their step just fine. 

Boogie Cousin’s Media Relations Seminar: Not even a real camp. Just a day long film study where you see what DeMarcus did, and know to do the opposite of that thing. Sample breakout sessions include “Don’t try to fight a color commentator” and “Don’t tell the press that your off-season diet is funnel cakes.” Special guests may include Dwight Howard and Lebron James leading a session on making “Decisions.” 

Do you have any ideas for new camps? Leave suggestions in the comments!




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