How to Be Cool

The secret to being cool is not caring about anything too much.  This is so when something doesn’t go how you want it to, you’re protected.  It slides right off.  People will look at your stoic visage in the face of potential disappointment and think, “wow, that’s cool.”  The thing you want to resemble most closely, when faced with a tough situation, is a highly polished rock.

In addition to detachment in the face of calamity, you can’t get too excited about things.  You can’t care when things go well.  If all it takes to make you happy is something interesting, you’re not being cool.  It’s very important to squash your desire to enjoy the little things in life. 

If you absolutely have to like things, they should only be things that other people aren’t likely to know much about, that way people can’t judge you based on what you like.  That’s very crucial, making sure people can’t judge you by what you like, since besides eyes passions are the clearest windows to the soul.  A cool soul has cloudy windows.

It’s also essential that you think you’re better than other people, but only just.  Don’t act superior, noticeably, but don’t respect people.  Of course, you are better than everyone else, because you’re cool, but in order to maintain your coolness you can’t let it go to your head.  Keep it in check.  You can’t even care about your own coolness (it’s all very meta).

Now that you’re cool, to your core, you need to work on expressing it outwardly.  This might be obvious, but it bears saying just in case: the phrase “who cares?” really goes a long way towards displaying your inner chill.  It really shows what you’re all about.  Also, the word “yeah” is an excellent all-purpose response.  It doesn’t matter what the query is.  Just make sure your voice trails off a bit at the end, that’s the key.  So that it sounds like “yeh.”  Like it’s not even worth your effort to finish the word.

Sunglasses are an established, proven method of showing how cool you are.  Bonus points for having colored plastic frames—that’s a new trend in cool.  Nothing’s more distinguished.

Jeans are another time-tested manifestation of cool.  The best ones are a little bit tight and washed-out.  Well-fitted, clean clothing is almost a cardinal sin; nothing says “uncool” like comfort.

Well, almost nothing: good grades are a dead giveaway for the uncool.  Avoid them accordingly, because employers would rather have a socially savvy employee than an academically qualified one.  Middling grades display your savvy.

This is personal preference, but a lot of times it’s extremely cool to do things that endanger your physical safety.  Some people prefer to “play it safe” and avoid stuff like smoking and drinking, but they’re almost definitely lowering their ceiling.  Most of the leading theorists agree that if you’re committed to cool, you’re doing stuff that might kill you.  It’s a small price to pay, possible death, when you think about it.

So that’s about it—a beginner’s guide to being cool.  Sound like fun?

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